Chas
by Psad
Summary: John can't bear to be called "daddy". Take place two days before Lilou C. Constantine sixteen's birthday.


Well, I finally have post a second fic. It'll probably be easier to understand if you read "_Lilou" _first. I just have to thank _TravellingTroughTime_ and _WellsFan12586_, I hope that you'll enjoy that fic and won't be disappointed. So... Bonne lecture ! ^^

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"Don't call me that, don't fucking call me that ever again ! I told you once, I tell you now and don't fucking make me tell you a third time ! "

"Are you fucking insane ? "

"Watch your tongue, kid ! I'm not one of your buddies ! "

" Right, 'cause now you're my dad ? Well, guess what… Dads don't yell after their daughters when they call them 'daddy'! "

" That's it : in your room ! Now Lilou ! "

Ok, I admit it, I shouldn't have lost my nerves but what can I say ? It's not like I didn't have a good reason for screaming. The kid called me **daddy**. The first time she did it, I was prepared, after all, she thinks I'm her father. So I have simply explained to her that she wasn't allowed to call me that, never ever again. Guess she's as stubborn as her father. Like father, like son –well, like daughter in that case.

Ever since Chas died, I have treated Lilou Kramer as Lilou Constantine, as my daughter. She's everything to me and I love her but, God help me, she's so like him that it hurts. Chas's dead and he won't come back, I know that, I have known that for a very long time now but, even after all this years, I can't be call that name 'cause Lilou had one "daddy" and it could never be me.

John Constantine, Lilou's father, Lilou's protector, Lilou's old man, Lilou's anything but not Lilou's daddy. That was Chas Kramer. That is Chas Kramer. That will always be Chas Kramer. Maybe she doesn't know but I know for us both : Chas was her daddy. He was Louli's dad and like there's no-one to call her that anymore, there's no-one to be called daddy. And that thought alone, after all this years, is enough to make me angrier than anything could. There is no daddy anymore, just dad, just me, just John fucking Constantine.

I just have to wait two days. Two fucking days before the truth. See, in two days, Lilou Constantine will be sixteen years old. In two days, there will be no more Lilou Constantine. In two days, she'll find a letter wrote by her father and she will be Lilou Kramer again. I don't really want that to happen but, in the same time, I can't wait for that to happen. Having a Kramer again, telling her of her daddy, telling her of Chas. I can't wait.

There are times when all I can think about is Chas. My first and last apprentice. I don't think I can describe him well. It is strange, really, I've known the kid for a short time : two years. It sure didn't feel like two years. Sometimes, it feels like I knew him since... _forever_, sometimes like I didn't know him at all.

I mean : why did he give me the most precious thing of his life ? What on earth possessed him to name me Lilou's father ? It's been fourteen years and I still don't have a clue. But, whatever was his reason, I'm happy he did it. I would be in Hell by now if I hadn't had a reason to live all this years.

I like to think that Chas did what he did for Lilou **and** for me. The kid knew me enough to know that I needed a new reason to live. What he didn't know was that I already have a reason to live : him. To be honest, I didn't know myself back there but, I remember quite well how our relation changed. Day after day, Chas became less my apprentice and more my… Well, I don't really know what he became, I usually think of him as_ my Chas_. Not a friend, not family, I don't think there a word for that. Back there, I thought I belonged to Hell or to Heaven –depend on my mood. Now, I just know that I belonged with Chas, maybe I belong with Chas even now. Perhaps that is the reason why it hurts so much even after fourteen years.

Chas was special, the first time I talked to him, he said "I'm not afraid of you Mister-don't-fuck-with-me-Constantine !" and the fact is he wasn't afraid. He was the only one –Midnite aside, who wasn't afraid of me. I had always wondered why… Guess that's Chas for you, he only feared one thing : to lose his daughter. Even that day, with all the half-breed and Mammon, he didn't fear them but what would happen to Lilou if we were to lose… What a silly kid, my Chas.

This fucking day changed my life : I had loose Chas, I was given a second chance at life and I became a father. This day, I promised Chas to stop smoking, to start respecting God –or to try at least, and to love and protect Lilou as if she was mine. I hope I'll still be able to protect her in two days. I hate lying to her all the time but I can't just break the last will of Chas. He was a silly kid but he wasn't an idiot, I know that his letter will explain her better that I could and Chas has his way, you couldn't stay angry with him for long. Whatever he did, it was just not possible. The kid had this aura, like a fucking angel on Hearth. Of that I'm totally certain, Chas had the soul of an angel and so there is only one place for him to be : in the House of God. And, knowing that, I can only hope that one day, in a long long time, Lilou will join his daddy in Heaven, and maybe, just _maybe_, I'll be able to see that myself.


End file.
